Goodbye; My hero.

Ok, so the word is out. Trying to keep the word in didn't work. It's around. Trying to kepe it in just family, and close friends, has broke. He's gone.. Forever. Gone. Out of my life. Never coming back. For good. He's in the ground. His body anyway. Forever out of his "Favorite little cousin. little sister, best-friend's life." It hurts. To know he's not going to come home in September like promised, for my birthday. Hurts to know that everything that was told to me, was fake. Everybdoy that told me he was going to be ok. He'll come home. Someday, life will be back to normal, he'll be back, don't worry about him. You have to move on. He's strong, He's brave. He'll be fine, Heather, he'll be fine. FINE!?!?! FINE!?!?! THAT'S WHAT YOU HAE TO SAY ABOUT THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTOOD ME, THE ONE I TOLD EVERYTHING TO, THAT IS NOW DEAD!?!?!? Maybe you better start thinking about what you're talking to, before you make somebdoy, as gullible as me, believe something, as big as that! Knowing him, along with a ton more family memobers over there, wasn't enough? You had to go and lie to me, tell me that he'd be fine. I got a phone call at 230 A.M, one morning, middle of my sleep, school the next day, because nobody else sleeps with their phone like me, only to hear some un-known voice talk to me, and tell me that my big cousin, big brother, father, best-friend, moral support, role model, hero.. WAS DEAD! That's what I really want to wake up to. Every young teenager just prays for that wish to happen every night.. NOT! I got every single poem, from his very first poem he wrote, including the one about me, telling me that I hurt him terribly, by telling him he didn't have a heart, because he never cried when he left.

Ok.. so i know that all seemed harsh, my opinions. But just know, that i'm starting to pick up the pieces, of my broken heart, and slowly put them back together. Slowly! I know that i'll be fine. I know that 'he's in a better place'. I just have to start believing that I can make it, in the cold night, alone. Nobody there.

But also know, that i'm joining the military. ANd i'm going to ignore what lal fo you say. even if it's going against it because it's not what I want. Just beause it's not what I want now, doesn't mean that it's not going to be what I want in the future. And it's been what I want since i was very young. And it's going to be what i'm going to force my self to do right now.

You can chase a dream, that might make you get in pain from it. People might put you down, for whatever reason it may be. But if it's honeslty your dream. Then go for it. don't let the other people that you call friends pull you back from it. If they're your true friends, they'll understand. I say this because of words I told my cousin , when he was going into the military. I tried pulling him back. And those words came out of his mouth. Written in a book, that He knew was going to me when he died. So I got them back.

A quote that I made up.

Forget all your philosophys,
Save all those little lies you tell me,
Becuase this girls A military girl,
and that's who she wants to be.

-Why?

ok.. so some of this is from a song already made up.. but.. me and a friend pretty much made this song up.. they are a few questions.. it doesn't make sense.



How in this world can we put a man on the moon,
And still have a need for a place like St Jude's?
And why is one man born,
In a place where all they know is war?
And a person so perfect,
Has always been free.


And how can two people who built a lovin' home,
Try for years an' never have a child of their own?
When somewhere out there tonight,
There's a baby no-one's holding tight:In need of love.
To me, that don't add up.


But I wasn't there the day you filled up the oceans.
I didn't get to see you hang the stars in the sky.
So I don't mean to second guess you,
Or criticise what I don't understand.
These are just a few questions I have.

And why did my cousin have to die in that crash?
A good kid, only seventeen, I still wonder about that.
It seems unfair to me,Some get the chance to chase their dreams,
And some don't.But what do I know?

I wasn't there the day you filled up the oceans.
I didn't get to see you hang the stars in the sky.
So I don't mean to second guess you,
Or criticise what I don't understand.
These are just a few questions I have.

Why do I feel like you hear these prayers of mine.
When so many oughta be ahead of me in line?
When you look down on me,Can you see the good through all the bad?
These just a few questions I have.

Why?

So ever since 5th period today.. i've been off subject.. wondering.. why. why everything 'happens for a reason' (so it's said).. why things have to be so hard. why life can't just be a tunnel.. where you walk right through. why it has to be a roller coaster.. and there is so much pain. Why we have a war. why why why?? And God, if you're so amazing.. why is there so much pain in this world? Why do so many people (including myself) have to cry themselves to sleep at night? Why are so many people eating out of dumpsters? Why are there so many bad things, like war, and kid nappers, and rapist, (sp?), and murderers int his world? Why does a white 14 year old female, have to be afraid to step out of her house? Why do relationships now have to be long distance for so many people? Why couldn't life just be how it was? Why did you have to go , and change life for me, and so many others as we knew it, put us in new enviroments, and make us learn new things? Life shouldn't be so full of hatred, and pain, and misery. I go to bed each night, thinking that somebody will come in my window, and rape me in the middle of the night! I go to bed at night, thinking that my life is to hard, to go on. If you're so amazing, so great, that no words can explain, then explain this to me, What happened? Why'd you have to go and put so much pain and misery, so many struggles, for young people to cope with, in this world? There are times I wish that I could just die. Give up everything and die. that's all i want to know is WHY? I think today.. i've realized that I may be in pain, i may be hurt to no end.. i may cry myself to sleep every night. i may not be able to focus on school anymore. but there are people out there who have been, and are going through either the same thing, or worse. I have a friend.. who was nearly in tears today.. when she got to school.. she had just said goodbye to her brother.. and sister for 3 years (i think.. if not .. i'm sorry) because they moved to Belguim where her brother is stationed. Because he had to be in this war. Saying goodbye to close loved ones, especially siblings, is very complicated, i've been through it. Her sister will be going to college in Auburn.. so there's another person leaving. Not to mention.. her mom going somewhere.. i forgot where. but being stationed there as well. But you're so perfect.. you're always smiling.. you're always bringing the gloomy ones up. You never seemed so upset.. but lately.. you've just been down. you've been stressed. you've been sad. you've felt like crying. you've cried. I never knew anybody could hold on as much as you do, could care as much on the load as you do, and still push through.. still smile.. and laugh. to hide your tears and pain. but nobody can tell.. you're so good at hiding it. you're so good at keeping it a secret. you laugh.. you bring my attitude up.. you smile all the time.. but yet.. you're going through so much.. you're going through more than i could ever go through. you'll be 16 the next time you see your brother and sister.. and possibly your own mother. you'll be 16 before you're reunited. you'll be 16.. 16 that's three years of your life.. without the ones you can trust more than anybody. how are you going to live without your own mother? it hurts me to think about living without mine.. and mine and i don't get along to well! it hurts to know your siblings are pretty much gone too. everybody running in circles.. doing all this packing.. talking about what they're taking.. but it seems.. you're just standing there.. in pain.. and shock.. you're eyes are wide open.. but you can't see. Now i may be wrong here.. most likely i am.. but that's how i see your life.. that's what i see.. i see and hear you talking about all these people leaving.. your family is going in circles.. but.. you.. you're just standing there.. watching it.. but you've gotten so dizy from the circles.. that you can't see anymore. that you're in so much pain. I'm sorry for anybody who is still reading this.. but I just want you to know that i'm here for you. and i'm sitting here crying as writing this.. because I know you may be leaving for Belguim in may as well. I can't watch another friend walk out of my life. it hurts to see all the ones i'm away from already. But i'm so hurt.. so much in pain.. because i'm seeing you in so much pain.. but yet there is nothing i can say.. or do to make it better.. nothign i can say or do to change your pain. nothing i can say or do to have that pain on me.. and take it all from you. because you don't do it. I hate seeing you in so much pain. i hate seeing you come into the classroom stressed out. Or sad. I hate seeing you like that. I just wish there was something i could say.. something i could do. that would take it all away. I'm praying to God right now, saying "Take the very breath you gave me, take the heart from my chest, but give her her life back" . i just wish i could give you that happy life that you had back. But i'm sorry.. so so so so so SO sorry that there isn't. But I want you to be strong. I want you to just march right through. No matter where life takes you.. never give up. Life will through obsticles in your way.. but you need to pass them. You can't just give up in the middle because you're tired. I know that wherever you go.. you're going to be in good hands. And i'm thankful for that. We may not see each other.. ever again.. but i'll always be thinking about you. I'll always remember you. And i'll always be here.. to hold you up.. when you're falling and help you back up.. when you fall. I love you, you're one of the best friends i've had. You're forever with me....
But sometimes.. i wonder why...
You're a really stron girl, that's all you need. I just wish I could do more. <3
written for a really good friend of mine; by heather. ♥

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